maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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