Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
