I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
