I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
