I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
