You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
