if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
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