Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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