took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
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