shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
