Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That accounts for only three of the penises
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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