I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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