this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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