The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
