i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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