remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
