When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
