Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
