you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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