My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
