I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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