rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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