i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I supernannyed him into submission
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
