She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Randomize
