Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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