the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
