Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
