like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
