You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
