i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
