i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
