Can i not drive my cunt home
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
