I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Come on in and take your pants off
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