I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
