once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
