Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
