I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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