so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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