I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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