I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
