Well douche your snatch and let's go!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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