my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
