Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize