The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
