I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
