I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
