very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
