i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
