Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
