Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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