before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize