Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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