I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
