I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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