I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
