I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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