Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
false alarm, still single
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize