I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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