the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
