Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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