this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
