I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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