your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
