Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
