Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
