I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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