anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
