I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
