i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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