Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
