pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
