Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize