UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
