I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
