How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
