So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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