I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Pants are for mortals
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
