I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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